look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
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I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.