“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it