Autocarrot sucks!
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”