look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Encore…