Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.