@MattMcElaney: Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it's not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
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@iwearaonesie: [playing hangman] wife: Pick a letter son: Does it have to be from the alphabet? me *gets up* wife *sound of his college fund jar breaking*
@KeetPotato: one of my goals in life is to be on such bad terms with a person that i have to watch their funeral from a distance behind a tree
@BlindChow: "Daddy, there's a mime under the bed!" That's ridiculous, why would you think that? "Listen!" *complete silence* OH DEAR GOD RUN
@simoncholland: I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.