@MattMcElaney: Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it's not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
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@Just_Lee_: 4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend. My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.
@MakeYourBedlam: I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!"
@nayomeewallace: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
@Matt_The_1st: "Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in" *Drives ex-son to homeless shelter