Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
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Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.