“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
The three genders
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage