“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me