Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Beauty and the Beast
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.