Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Oops I deleted….
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.