Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
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Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
This raises questions
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Don’t snitch tag.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.