Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
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DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing