Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.