Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
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alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Ha
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Got him!
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.