@stuckinaportal: look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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@Maui_Speaks: Every day the cat climbs a six-foot glass-block wall and watches my wife shower. She thinks it's cute. I do it once and I'm creepy.
@Jennuflect: [taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard
@ChipKellysBalls: It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them