look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
LOL!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.