“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
You Might Also Like
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.