“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
You Might Also Like
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Oh. My. God.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started