Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Perfect.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
When you’re Kinky but poor
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Vodka burrito was a success
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there