Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
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my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip