Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The government even made aliens boring
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Damn he played himself
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.