Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”