@deathoftheparty: lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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@markedly: Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: "Wire" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
@AmyLondon: @funTweeters TIL:The phrase "I plead the fifth" comes from the minimum volume of alcohol one can blame for committing the alleged infraction
@Parkerlawyer: Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it. Anyone want to trade jobs?
@AlexvanBeek: When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.