lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
📽️movie date🎞️
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy