lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
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* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.