Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?