I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
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I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?