*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Seems legit
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit