*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot