[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening