*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.