[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
the best thing i’ve ever made
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.