I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying