[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
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My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
jesus, what did this guy do
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket