[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I’m confused about plants
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake