[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Trying
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
got so much cardio in today
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases