[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
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Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?