Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.