Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago