You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
*3.5 thank you very much.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Called it
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?