[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
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this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Google assistant rules
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.