[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
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If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.