[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse