[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
You Might Also Like
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Finished stitching this today 😇
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.