4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
You Might Also Like
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”