Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Best mom ever 😂
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams