Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
You Might Also Like
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this