Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday