Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You Might Also Like
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
what’s more important?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
ibopfufen
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.