I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Birds & Planes.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”