@FeelsLike2sday: Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls
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@LoveNLunchmeat: If someone dies from laced cocaine, does the coroner write "devastating blow" on the death certificate?
@SteveSuckington: Me: omg can smoking weed make u hallucinate? Dog making pancakes: lol that wasn't weed dude
@Storminika: The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
@GuyThe_Guy: I didn't want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife's pillows should get the point across that I don't appreciate the way she spoke to me