Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.